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After numerous occasions of being threatened by loose or stray dogs and having a very large dog charge us and our dogs in our own front yard ( some people do not understand leash laws) . My wife and I decided to get a taser to carry with us when ever we take our dogs to the park or out for a walk. Me being a typical male, I had wondered about this device until I found the following story………


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
Pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
And thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
Some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
Shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 '' long, less than 3/4 inch in cir***ference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,'
Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BI**H, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my n*ts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!! :hurt:

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! :fear:

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' :stupid:
 

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HOLY CRAP.....that was the funniest thing ever to read! I also have a taser....now I know what it's potential is. Maybe next time husband gets out of hand..... wait.... no.... thats mean. LoL. Good story.
 

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:pound::pound::pound: My god, Im here pmsl. I love your description of the event. Just too funny.
But your a silly bugger, you know tasers have killed ppl.

Still I cant stop laughing, you are a crack up
 

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Discussion Starter #5
My hubbie really didn't try this out on himself. He found this story on Craigslist over a week ago and is still laughing about it. He found it to be so funny,said he could just pictue it. It makes me laugh to see him laughing at something so hard. We all need a good laugh once in a while.
 

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OMG you guys.. thats is a funny story. I can just see D now laughing about it with his taser in his hand. I remember him telling me at your house that he was going to get one. I knew he was serious too. lol

Well good luck on your walks for now on. I know D is just waiting and ready to use that thing. lmao !!!!
 

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I didnt realise FURBUTZ was your hubby. Just looked back at his avatar and yep same pic :rofl:
It is a funny story, I needed the laff. Thanks for putting it up, it was great.
 

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I didnt realise FURBUTZ was your hubby. Just looked back at his avatar and yep same pic :rofl:
It is a funny story, I needed the laff. Thanks for putting it up, it was great.
In case you are meaning me ... not my hubby. Fuzbutz is a lady normally, but I think her hubby wanted to share this story so bad that he posted it under her name. lol
 

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Oh my word, I laughed until tears came to my eyes. This story was hilarious!!! Do you think it really happened to someone?
 

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In case you are meaning me ... not my hubby. Fuzbutz is a lady normally, but I think her hubby wanted to share this story so bad that he posted it under her name. lol
No you posted at the same time as me lol. And Im so tired after my van broke down last night and stuck on the road for 6 hours, I read FURBITZ as someone else writing. Ignore my post...... sorry :(
 
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