penny_ann

I've seen it work for some and not work for others. You do seem to have several doubts though as to whether this is really what you want to do. I agree with waiting until you are 100% sure this is what you want to do

wishpoo

Keith, yeah ... unfortunately you have no other choice and you are doing great by making a will etc. Your Mom is taking care of both of you, so it does make a big difference Your situation is pretty unique in many aspects.

Arreau - I do not think you are old-fashioned, it is a "problem" that obviously transcends age !!!

I have two very young daughters but they would never "move in" with any man before any serious commitment is there and I never even needed to "give a sermon" LOL - they observed consequences themselves by seeing what happened to their friends

When I was young I was just too proud and loved myself too much to do that : ))) ! It brought me only admiration and respect from guys I dated and I was actually proposed multiple times before I even met my hubby <3

I do not think it is vise but can work for some people It all depends of what is one looking for in life ...

Trillium

My Grandfather and my Dad were/are both fond of saying never start something if you don't want to continue it. It covers many things and has worked as good advise for me. Never let a dog/kid away with something if you don't always want to. The same holds with living with someone in my views never move in with someone if you later want something different. Make the commitment first in my opinion.

taxtell

You seem very astute, and that is a good thing.
Go with your gut feeling, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

My own experience was unique, because in order for my husband and I to even be together (he is from the UK) we had to get married, and he had to move in right away when his paperwork went through.
Those were trying times, let me tell you. 500 square foot apartment, he couldn't work for 9 months because of visa restrictions, he didn't have his drivers license here...the list goes on.

But it was all worth it and we made it work.

__________________
"Dogs and angels are not very far apart"
— Charles Bukowski

whitepoodles

I am 57 yrs. old and very old fashioned.
Engagement first, marriage second, move in after marriage. end of story.

plumcrazy

I want to preface my story by saying I found a very good man!!

David and I started dating when I was 18 and he was 22 (we met at Kmart, where we both worked). I still lived at home with my parents and he lived in an apartment with a co-worker. Because of circumstances beyond my control (my MOTHER!! ) I moved to Minneapolis when I was 20 - I was wrecking my back pushing the shopping carts at Kmart and the management wouldn't allow me to call stock boys to help as it was *my* job as checkout supervisor to get the carts out of the way and into their proper position. My mother couldn't stand it, so she threw me in the car, kicking and screaming because I did not want to leave my love, and drove to the Twin Cities to find an office job because those types of jobs were scarce in Bismarck at that time.

I promised David that I would only be there a year and then I'd be back to Bismarck (and him). Well... he couldn't wait that long so about 10 months later he moved to the Twin Cities too! I was renting a bedroom in a house owned by my mother's cousin in South Minneapolis and I had two female roomates who lived in the other rooms. David got an apartment in Richfield, about 10 minutes from the house where I lived.

He proposed to me on my 21st birthday (May 31, 1985) and we set a date of May 10th, 1986. I have to admit, after our engagement I spent more time at David's apartment than at my own house - although I still paid rent there... While we were dating, he and I set up joint bank accounts (which we still have - so... what's mine is mine and what's his is mine!!) Eight years later, we moved back to Bismarck (and family) and that's where we are today.

David has historically made more $$ than I have (although there have been occasions where I surpassed him in that department - just not many) and I historically spend WAY more than he does, so we're a great match!!

We celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary this past May and although we've been through some difficult times together - our marriage is as strong as ever!

I don't think I'd change a thing about how we became a couple or how we've stayed together - sometimes things are just RIGHT!

Good luck and best wishes on your own journey!

__________________

There is no rule requiring that you attend every argument to which you're invited...

Locket

Thank you for the advice. I think the most important issue to us is that we want to be financially stable before living together. I told him how I felt about not contributing equally, and he said he understood, and wouldn't want me to feel uncomfortable.

We have quite liberal parents that have no problem with sleep overs, and he's stayed over at my house for a week while my parents are away. After our weekend sleep overs, it's getting harder and harder to go back to living separately during the week. That's what has spurred the talk of moving in together. We desperately WANT to live together, but do not want to risk debt or have to move back in with our parents.

Fluffyspoos

Yeah, moving out of my parents house was the big thing with me. It was to the point that I just stayed in one room and wouldn't talk to them. My older brother is living there, and they didn't enforce ANY of the bull crap the put me through. There was a lot of stupid, unnecessary drama those last couple weeks, now that I'm moved out I'm stress free.

And although I live with my boyfriend and we've been together for almost three years, we already agreed years ago when we got together no sex till marriage, so that stress isn't there either.

For me, it's very convenient and relaxing to live here with him. It's not traditional, and it's not consistent with everyone elses experience, but it's a perfect set up for me.

CharismaticMillie

I am 24 and refuse to move in with my boyfriend until we are engaged - ha ha..and we have been dating for 8 years!

I was a psych. major in college and I remember this one Psychology of Marriage class I took. Studies have shown that a couple who moves in together after having already made a formal commitment to each other (engagement or even just a decision that you are on the path towards marriage) will be less likely to break up/end in catastrophe than a couple who moves in out of convenience, or without discussing their intentions.

So...just make sure you really talk to each other about the reasons why you are moving in together, why you think it will help your relationship, how it might hurt your relationship and what you will do if it doesn't work out.

Good luck!!

Locket

I don't understand why people wait for marriage to have sex, but kudos to you for living together and resisting the temptation!

Great advice, and yes, we have discussed how living together will change the relationship, which is why we want to wait until we are both financially stable before doing so.

I guess to me, getting engaged/married before living together seems backwards. I have already made a commitment to him for the past 3 and a half years, and I feel that my word to be with him and my ever growing love for him means more than any ring or marriage certificate. I know he loves me and cares deeply about me because he shows it, and he knows I love him and care deeply about him because I show it. Marriage is a definite yes for the both of us, but at the same time, we do not feel we need to get married to make our love and commitment to each other "official". He is part of my family now and always will be, and I am part of his family now and always will be. Of course everything could go to ****, but I trust that he would alert me to any issues/concerns, and vice versa, so that we could either work through it, find a compromise, or worse come to worse, part ways.


In response to the psychology of marriage stats. Both of our parents lived together before getting married, and they are still together (my parents are celebrating their 34th year together). Statistics also show that couples whose parents remained together also have a higher likelihood of a long lasting relationship. There are also a number of other factors that improve the chance of a lasting marriage (like education, socioeconomic status, stable/good childhood, similar values/morals/beliefs etc.), and a lot are on our side. But statistics are certainly not everything, especially with regards to relationships, which are very individual and near impossible to generalize.

This might be a personal question, and its not just directed at you Millie, anyone can answer it, I am just genuinely curious as to why some feel engagement and/or marriage should come before living together?